Dancing With the Stars Doesn’t Disappoint

Photo: ABC, Heather Mills and Jonathan Roberts

Heather Mills didn’t lose her leg during last night’s debut of Dancing With the Stars. In fact, she may have gotten a leg up on the competition.

Let me explain.

Mills did a decent job at ballroom dancing, despite that she has a prosthetic leg from the knee down on her left leg. Described by the judges as “gutsy” and an “inspiration,” I think Mills will get the sympathy vote. She’s likeable, athletic, and apparently, fearless. Those characteristics will help get her votes in the popularity contest that dictates the competition’s outcome. Remember Master P?

Mills said that her prosthetic leg is unpredictable at times, when she shifts her weight, during the dance moves. That makes me nervous. (Even more nervous than last season, when Jerry Springer took the floor.) Mills was shown falling during practice, but delivered a smooth performance for the judges. She could come out the hero of the show.

It’s too early to pick a leader, but here are my choices for the best and worst of the bunch:

The Good
Joey Fatone
The former boy bander proved he’s a real entertainer and was my choice for the best last night. He was confident and had the footwork to back it up. Nicknamed “Fat One” by his partner, instead of Fatone, Joey said he hopes to lose a few pounds during the competition. It looked like he already had, when he took the floor in that white-John Travolta-inspired costume. Lookin’ good, Joey! But here’s a quick note to Fat One: FYI, white adds pounds. Black is slimming.

Ian Ziering
Two-time champ Cheryl Burke always gets the hotties, and this year is no different. Ziering brought the moves and proved that he is a serious contender. They earned triple sevens for their routine, despite judge Bruno’s broken-English criticism of Ian’s lower-body action: “You’ve got to get more down with your hips. Go see a Chippendales show or something.” I guess we know where Ian and Cheryl are heading for their first field trip.

Paulina Porizkova
A beautiful lady and a beautiful dancer. Paulina has the most gorgeous lines we’ve seen since Stacy Keibler. She’s definitely one to watch. Not only is she elegant, graceful, and painfully pretty, she has a sense of humor. She had the best line of the night when her tough teaching partner told her not to question the system. “That’s what they said in the communist countries,” she quipped. Tom Bergeron, we may have found your replacement.

Laila Ali
Laila was the surprise of the night. I fully expected her to be an awkward mover. (Don’t hit me, Laila.) But she was the epitome of grace and ease. She truly looked like a ballroom dancer, not someone who could beat up the judges and not break a sweat. Bruno said he couldn’t wait to see her in the Latin dances. I second that. She floats like a butterfly and…OK moving on.

The Bad
John Ratzenberger
Granted, he only had a couple weeks to practice, as he came late to the competition. But, I don’t think a few more weeks would have helped much. He gets an A for effort, but frankly, he lacked the skills of the other celebs. He should be the one to go home. Sorry Cliff Clavin.

Billy Ray Cyrus
The Country music star/self-proclaimed “hillbilly” didn’t master the cha-cha. In fact, Len called it a “hoe-down” instead of a ballroom dance. I predict Billy Ray is going to be heading home soon with “achy breaky heart.” His partner joked that they received the lowest score in Dancing With the Stars history. Not quite. If he makes it through this week, I’d like to see him cut his hair, so we can see his facial expressions.

Clyde Drexler
At 6’7”, Clyde is the tallest competitor in the show’s history. Known as the gentle giant, Clyde proved to be an awkward mover. He seemed stiff, especially in his lower body. Perhaps he should accompany Ian to that Chippendales show.

The Mediocre
They didn’t dazzle and weren’t particularly memorable, but their performances were decent. Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons and Apolo Anton Ohno ranked in the middle of the field, talent wise. Leeza seemed scared and her dancing lacked flow. She needs to relax if she’s going to improve. Shandi looked a bit gangly. Yes, she’s beautiful, but she didn’t emotionally connect to her dancing. Apolo did a great job with his footwork and had decent hip movement, but he didn’t put in as many hours training as the rest of the folks and it showed.

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