TV Thanksgiving blessings

November 24, 2004

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. No gifts to buy. No eggs to color. No trips to the emergency room, when fireworks go amiss. It’s just a day to give thanks for all that is right in the world.
Since this is Tube Talk, it’s only right that I take time to count my TV blessings:

Remote control. Perhaps the most underrated device in the world of television, the remote control revolutionized couch potatoes everywhere. Yes, we all take it for granted now. But I remember the days when changing channels meant standing in front of the TV flipping that shiny silver dial between the only two choices I had: CBS and NBC. I recently read an article that today’s college freshmen have never lived in a world where televisions didn’t come with remote controls. Let’s be thankful that technology progressed so that these kids never had to know that kind of horror.

• Closed captioning. I know I’m not the targeted audience for this helpful tool. But I use it all the same. Having the words appear on screen is sometimes the only way to decipher what those fast-talking kids on The O.C. are saying, not to mention The West Wing characters, who have practically made speed-talking an Olympic sport. Plus, you haven’t lived until you¹ve turned on the captions in Spanish and watched Friends Phoebe sing Smelly Cat.
• Great lines. “Sometimes, evil drives a minivan.” That’s just one example of why I love scripted television. That hilarious gem was from Desperate Housewives this week. But there have been so many others in the course of television history. “No soup for you.” “How you doin’?” And “Danger, Will Robinson” have taken on a life of their own in the American vernacular.
• Annual specials. There is no better harbinger of the changing seasons than the annual television special. Some people watch the weather to know just when the change happens. I watch TV. Early fall, it’s Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Thanksgiving, it’s the enormous balloons dwarfing New York City in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Winter, it’s Rudolph’s glowing nose, and New Year’s, it’s Dick Clark’s Rocking Eve. Who needs a calendar? Just turn on your TV.
• Reality show ratings are down. Can we please all give thanks for this? Previous ratings hits such as The Bachelor and The Apprentice have lost viewers this season, just as scripted shows are coming on strong. With Lost and Desperate Housewives scoring ratings knockouts, perhaps this is the beginning of the end of the reality craze. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?
• Setting fashion trends. Television characters often influence fashion and hairstyles. Without the 90210 Peach Pitt gang, I never would have known sideburns were all the rage in the early ‘90s. Or that parachute pants were a fashion do in the ‘80s. Or that straight men could pull off wearing white suits, T-shirts, and no socks without being ridiculed. (They looked cool on Miami Vice.) I’m grateful for these colorful fashion trends. And that I never got around to wearing my too short Ally McBeal miniskirt.

Happy Thanksgiving, Tubers. Go easy on the turkey.

Originally published 11/24/04 in The Exponent Telegram newspaper.

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Reality Bites

February 11, 2004

This is war.

I’m tired of playing nice.

It’s time for action, fellow television viewers.

I’m calling for a TV revolution - an end to the constant barrage of reality shows eating up our precious time slots.

No more will I be content with programming that assumes the average TV viewer isn’t as smart as the people making television. No more will I quietly accept what television networks are offering.

My goal is to make some noise. A public outcry so loud that it rivals that of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.

My plan of action? Simple. Turn the channel. That’s right. Don’t watch.

But don’t stop there. Write the networks and challenge executives to once again provide some quality programming. Why should we watch shows they aren’t willing to watch themselves? (Do you really think the network suits set their VCRs for Fear Factor?)

If I sound like a fanatic, you’re right. (I’ve been called worse.) But I won’t be quiet. Not until the trash heap currently littering the airwaves is expunged ... or until I get fired for my overzealous opinions.

If you’re wondering what’s pushed me over the edge, blame it on FOX and its latest offering to the reality genre. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé is a big, fat, awful idea for TV viewers. It’s just one more ridiculous show to clutter the airwaves. Couple that show’s success with the fact that NBC just bumped its best comedy, Scrubs, from its highly coveted Thursday-night timeslot to make room for Donald Trump’s foray into reality programming, and I’m borderline certifiable.

It has to end. NOW!

I miss Tim the Tool Man, Jerry Seinfeld and Ally McBeal. I miss Felicity Porter and her tape recorder, Murphy Brown and her revolving secretaries, Thomas Magnum and his goofy eyebrow arch.

I miss scripted television.

Witty sitcoms and thought-provoking dramas are already an endangered species. And with fan favorites such as Frasier and Friends saying goodbye this year, the forecast is grim. Just visit any network Web site, and you’ll see casting calls for the next reality drama to replace these ratings winners.

It’s understandable why networks keep churning out these so-called reality shows; it’s cheap. They don’t have to pay writers or actors. Anyone willing to put themselves up for some humiliation and five minutes of fame can suddenly become a star.

What I don’t understand is why we’re still watching. I thought audiences would turn the channel in collective disgust at shows that reward contestants for eating vile concoctions of animal guts and live insects. I thought audiences would protest shows that mock marriage by having individuals choose partners through game show tactics. I thought audiences would snub shows that believe entertainment is achieved through the humiliation of others. But that hasn’t happened.

Reality programs tend to be popular. Astoundingly, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé just made the list of TiVo’s top 10 recorded programs.

So, if this is what they’re offering, I’m going elsewhere. I’m watching the WB, FX, We, TV Land - any network I can find that doesn’t tout reality shows.

I’m hoping change will come soon. That they’ll realize their mistake. I’m hoping this Remote Revolution and public insurgence will be the beginning of a programming transformation.

Meanwhile, I’ll be in my world, looking for well-written programs and surfing cable for syndicated shows. A place where Jack Tripper never dies, Joanie will always love Chachi, and Mayberry’s resident drunk, Otis Campbell, is as real as it gets.

Originally published 2/11/04 in The Exponent Telegram newspaper.

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