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Saturday, September 22, 2007

Homer Simpson’s football picks

In honor of FOX’s new fall season kicking off this Sunday, September 23, Homer Simpson and his pals got together to talk football. Homer, Hank Hill, from King of the Hill, Peter Griffin, from Family Guy, and Stan Smith, from American Dad, are making their hilarious picks for this football season.

Homer, a man after my own heart, somehow manages to work in Bobby Ewing, Sue Ellen Ewing, and Peter Cetera in his explanation for who would win in a Dallas Cowboys/Chicago Bears match up.

Check out these hilarious explanations.

Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots:
Peter Griffin (FAMILY GUY):
Well, first of all, New England is just freakin’ sweet. They may not lose a game the entire year. Plus, the Pats got spy cameras watchin’ you. Just like the government. “The Patriot Act” – that was all Belichick’s idea. My pick: New England.

Arizona Cardinals vs. Baltimore Ravens:
Homer Simpson (THE SIMPSONS): Because it’s the Cardinals versus the Ravens, I’m passing this one off to our family’s bird-nerd, Lisa Simpson.
Lisa Simpson: It’s called an ornithologist.
Homer Simpson: Thanks for nothing. Take the Ravens.

Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans:
Stan Smith (AMERICAN DAD): You know, my first gun was a Colt 45. Man, I shot TONS of people with that thing! My pick: Indianapolis Colts.

Dallas Cowboys vs. Chicago Bears:
Hank Hill (KING OF THE HILL): Who's going to win the Cowboys/Bears game? Frankly I'm a little insulted you'd even ask me that question. The Cowboys are America's team. So I am going to go with America. My pick: Dallas Cowboys.
Homer Simpson: Let’s see... If the show “Dallas” fought the band Chicago, who would win? Well, Bobby Ewing’s got a cannon for an arm, but you’re never going to get a passing game going with Peter Cetera coming on the blitz. It all comes down to special teams. I see Sue Ellen kicking a last-second field goal to give Dallas the win. But this game is up against THE SIMPSONS season premiere, starring Lionel Richie and Stephen Colbert, so watch that instead.

New York Giants vs. Washington Redskins:
Homer Simpson:
I pick the Giants because their backup quarterback, Jared Lorenzen, like myself is a man of great weight. You’re sending an important message to today’s kids – obesity is not a problem in America.

Denver Broncos vs. Jacksonville Jaguars:
Stan Smith: Ah, Denver, the Mile High City. Wait, does that mean it's actually a mile high? So if Franny and I, you know (whistling), in Denver ... would that, like ... would that put us into the Mile High Club? My pick: Denver Broncos.

San Francisco 49ers vs. Pittsburgh Steelers:
Peter Griffin: The hometown fans are going to be pretty intense for Pittsburgh. They got nothing else to live for. The only chance for San Fran is if they can get Barry Bonds to play quarterback. Good luck finding a helmet to fit over that huge melon he calls a head. My pick: Pittsburgh Steelers.

Detroit Lions vs. Philadelphia Eagles:
Homer Simpson:
You’re a winner for not living in either of these cities. Unless you do, in which case I pick the city that is home to the Liberty Bell – Detroit. They stole it when Philadelphia wasn’t looking.

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Seattle Seahawks:

Stan Smith: You gotta go with the team you know the best. I got to know the Bengals pretty well by arresting nine of them … Those guys are characters! My pick: Cincinnati Bengals.

Cleveland Browns vs. Oakland Raiders:
Hank Hill: Cleveland at Oakland? Well, neither of them are the Cowboys – and, well, Oakland is in California, so I'm going to have to go with Browns. My pick: Cleveland Browns.

San Diego Chargers vs. Green Bay Packers:
Homer Simpson: Brett Favre, I respect you enormously, but sir, it’s time to retire. Just open a steakhouse called Brett’s Place and put your old football junk in it. In the first year, go by once or twice a week, then never go again. My pick? Brett’s Place. For the best onion rings in the entire Wisconsin thumb.

Carolina Panthers vs. Atlanta Falcons:
Hank Hill: I still think of the Panthers as a new team. And I generally don't like things that are new. And since the Panthers knocked the Cowboys out of the playoffs twice, I'll take the Falcons out of spite. My pick: Atlanta Falcons.

Miami Dolphins vs. New York Jets:
Homer Simpson: Both of these cities are awesome places to visit. Why do they even need football? However, I do like how the dolphin on the Miami helmet wears a helmet. That’s smart. Safety first. Miami by six.

St. Louis Rams vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
Peter Griffin: Well, the Rams got Mark Bulger and he’s tough to stop. Hehehe, bulge. My pick: St. Louis Rams.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Kansas City Chiefs:
Homer Simpson: I think Kansas City will be cooking up a tasty victory against the ... oh, “Chiefs.” I thought it said “Chefs.” Anyway, take Kansas City. Because the Vikings with their wide stance and tapping toes will never get out of the Minneapolis Airport men’s room.

The Simpsons 19th season premiere begins Sunday at 8 p.m., followed by a football-themed episode of King of the Hill at 8:30 p.m. Then, a special Star Wars episode of Family Guy is scheduled for 9 p.m. follwed by the season premiere of American Dad at 9:30 p.m.

7 comments:

steph in la said...

OMG, Jen. That is friggin' hilarious! Thanks for sharing. I spit coke out my nose I was laughing so hard. (the soft drink not the narcotic) :)

Megan said...

I don't even watch football, but that was funny. Is Homer normally this funny?

Fabian Sparkle said...

I also shot coke out my nose... not the soft drink.

And, no, Homer isn't normally this funny. The Simpsons ran out of funny about 5 seasons ago. That's why there's endless celebrity guest stunting.

Peter Griffin, on the other hand, is freakin' sweet!

Bob said...

Very, very funny. And mostly true. Detroit DID steal the Liberty Bell from Philly. Unfortunately nothing came out of my nose....

tube talk girl said...

The day is young, Bob! :) Good to see ya!

Bob said...

You can see me? I knew it!!!! I always thought someone was watching me through this screen just like the government does with TV! Hey, wait a minute-If you can see me then you know what I'm doing right now-uhhhhhh, I gotta go.............

tube talk girl said...

LMAO! Wait...EWWWWWW!!!!!!

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