A message from my DVR

by Jennifer Squires Biller

Dear Tube Talk Girl,

Consider this my official notice. I’m done. I cannot continue to work under these inhumane conditions. You may have noticed last week that I had a break down, literally. I refused to tape Dancing With the Stars and several other of your programmed shows.

For two years now, I’ve performed flawlessly for you, taping each and every one of the television shows you designate —good and bad — even when I questioned why you would ever want to record such a program. (Scott Baio is 45… and Single. Really?) But I did it, and I didn’t complain. But I can be silent no longer. I’m going on strike, until you delete some of this backlog and at least give me a few breaks during the week. I need some me time.

The past several TV seasons, it was Thursday nights that drove me to madness. Now, it seems Mondays and Wednesdays are just as stressful. How can I be expected to tape Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother, Dancing With the Stars, One Tree Hill, Boston Legal and Samantha Who all on a Monday? It’s insanity. And you won’t even give me a minute between shows, as you run one show a minute over and start the next a minute early, so you can play the reindeer games the networks have devised when they air their programs over the allotted time slot.

As for the shows you’ve already watched, repeatedly, but ask me to keep in my memory, please reconsider and give me some space. Do you really need the The Office episode, from two years ago, when Pam and Jim first kissed, or Scrubs the musical, and the final episode of M*A*S*H? Enough! I cannot continue to feed your compulsive need to have these TV scenes at your fingertips. Have you not discovered You Tube?

In short, I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. I’m sure you’ve noticed the strange beeping sound I’ve been eliciting lately and the lock ups. Sorry, but unplugging me from the wall and rebooting won’t fix this problem. Nope. The problem is you, Tube Talk Girl. You need to get this TV obsession under control because I cannot tolerate this behavior for one more season.

Sincerely distressed,
Your DVR

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